Fuck you

“So if you’re not talking to me again, which means you must’ve made up your mind cause i know i’ve made up mine. i’m tired of being your second, if-it-doesn’t-work-out choice. i’m tired of waiting for your replies and making up reasonable excuses in my head for why i don’t receive one. i’m done trying not to think about you during the days, and losing sleep when i can’t escape the thought of you at night. you planted seeds in my soul, let the flowers grow in the cracks of my bones, then stopped watering them, stopped caring.”well they’re dead now, so fuck you. 

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This Is For You 

“This is for you:I miss you like hell. I know that maybe right now there isn’t enough room for me in your life and that’s okay. It’s not something you need to apologize for because I love you too goddamn much to ever want you to do anything but what makes you happy. So I hope you’re happy and I hope that wherever it is you are, you find yourself smiling even on the bad days. I hope that you have people who never let you forget that you are loved. Because you are loved and you deserve to know it. 

I’m crossing my fingers that I’ll see you again soon. Until then, I wish you laughter and good times. Until then, I want you to know that you don’t need to apologize for anything. Maybe this is how it’s supposed to be. You there and me here and both of us sharing our lives with other people but not with each other. 
I guess what I’m trying to say is- I’m hoping that the universe will give us another chance. I’ve always believed deeply in second chances and perhaps someday we could try again, and if it happens that we cannot, then remember this- I have loved you from beginning to end. I will always. ”

I am tired of telling this story 

“I am tired of writing this story. 
The one in which you never stop leaving. 
The one in which I never stop waiting. 
I am tired of writing this story. 
The one in which you don’t love me at all.
The one in which I love you more than I love myself. 
I am tired of writing this story. 
The one in which you never stop hurting me. 
The one in which I never stop looking back. 
This story is getting old now. 
Everybody’s tired. 
I am tired.
By the time I am done with this sorry attempt at a poem, there won’t be any applause. 
Everybody’s heard this story a million times before. 
Even strangers shiver at the mention of your name without knowing why. 
I don’t just shiver. 
My knees stop working. 
My feet don’t move. 
I realize I am right where you left me. 
I am telling this story from the only place you know from the inside out. 
I am telling this story for the millionth time and in my own ways, I am crazy. 
I’m tired of telling this story. 
The ending isn’t ever any different. 
I am at the end of this sorry attempt at a poem and nobody is clapping. 
There isn’t anything beautiful about hanging on to what you have to let go of.”

How to Pretend It Doesn’t Hurt

“When he says he doesn’t love you anymore, roll your shoulders back and look him in the eye even when it feels like your ribs are breaking inward; like spider legs. When he digs up old aches that he swore he forgave you for, smile and ask him why he didn’t leave you sooner. Ignore the way the words feel like sandpaper running all the way up your throat to your mouth. When he blames you for mistakes that wear his face, do not scream. Do not cry. Tell him that there are boys who would be proud to say they’d love you. Tell him that in two years you won’t even remember his name and don’t let him see the way you can taste your own lie. When he leaves, ignore the howling in your blood and do not get up after him. Not even to lock the door. Do not, do not, DO NOT. Smell his shirts when you box them up to give them back. Not one. Swear off dating when you realize you’re chasing ghosts that wear his smile. It’s okay to cry over him. It’s even okay to forgive him. But do not go back to him if he did not know how to love you the first time. He won’t know how to do it the next.”

No matter 

“You don’t realize how much he ruined you until you start talking to someone new. You do not realize how much you miss the way he talked to you, the way he took care of you, until someone else tries to do those same things.You will think about the fact that you miss the way he was always there. You will think of the way his presence always calmed you and the way his touch lingered on your skin whenever he was gone.

You don’t realize how much you fucking ache for that familiarity, for the way you were comfortable and how normal it felt to love him. You don’t realize it but you look for it in everyone, and it keeps you up at night that you haven’t found anyone that can make you feel like he used to.

You don’t realize any of it till you meet someone new and think, oh god, maybe he could be someone that stays. The worst part is that you hardly recovered from the way the last guy tore you apart. The worst part is that it terrifies you to think that you could get attached to someone like that again, because it felt like you pinned your heart to your sleeve only for the needle to break through the skin. The idea of loving someone the way you loved him makes you sick because you never thought you’d ever have to find someone else to begin with.”

5 Times I Ignored How You Treated Me

“December 8th

You told me that if I ever need you, no matter what time of day it is, that you’d be a phone call away. I called you last night at 3 am sobbing so hard my sheets couldn’t muffle the sound but you didn’t pick up. I don’t know if it’s just ironic or a sign.

February 3rd

I asked you who she was and you told me she was nobody. I wonder if you’ll say the same thing about me when she asks who I am.
June 16th
When you told me about how you always feel sick I told you I would be there and do anything for you. But last night when I told you that I feel really sad sometimes you said that you didn’t have time to deal with my baggage. I guess you only have enough time for your own.

August 23rd

When you said you were tired, I couldn’t tell if you were saying you were tired of me or tired of us. I guess it was a combination of both, but apparently you’re not too tired for her. I don’t know if it’s life playing a joke or just me but I haven’t slept all fucking week.

October 11th

I know forever is a long time, but you still promised it to me when your forever wasn’t yours to give away. Not when you promised it to every other fucking girl that made it easier for you to sleep at night.”

One person 

“There is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.”

Sometimes change is for the best

Congratulations on losing the only girl who had your back. I almost feel pity for you, you didn’t even realize you were giving away the one person who’d stuck around for your constant bullshit and drama. Maybe it was because she loved you or maybe it was because she thought she could see the reflection of a better person through all of your flaws. Perhaps she looked passed all of mistakes because having you in her life was more important than any of the wrong doings and damage you’d caused. She was naive, but she was not dumb and soon enough the light in her eyes that lit the room when she looked at you burnt out. The text messages, phone calls, it was all gone. Voicemail became the only way to reach her. She stopped finding small ways to see you but when you bumped into her on accident sometimes, the smile that’d she greet you with that was filled with hope was exchanged with a small glance but the floor always seemed to have her attention when you tried to make conversation. You remember the days when you were everything, and now you’re nothing.

A letter to the next girl he loves

” Maybe he’ll be good to you and love you like he was supposed to love me, but I don’t think he knows how yet. So be warned, he’s too easy to love. You’ll meet him and three days later you’ll miss him the second he stops texting back. It doesn’t matter how tough you think you are, you’re not when it comes to him. He can turn you from a thunderstorm to a rain puddle dripping down the side of the street. Be warned, just because he falls asleep on the phone with you doesn’t mean he isn’t texting four other girls while he listens to your breath on the other side of the phone and the way you love him more than anything bursting from your laugh. And I’m sure he loves you, he probably really does but just because he loves you doesn’t mean he won’t love all the rest of them too. He’ll tell you he hates girls with brown hair and kiss one the next night. He’ll tell you you’re all he needs and you’ll believe him. So will the girl he said it to this morning. You’ll probably love him through the lying. I guess I just wanted to tell you to leave the first time he hurts you. Because he’ll do it again. And again. And it doesn’t matter how many times he calls you baby and says he loves you. It doesn’t matter that he says he’s going to change for you. He’s going to break you down with every blow to the chest and every little excuse until your heart crumbles under your ribs and he’s too busy fucking somebody else to care this time.”

My King

“The aim is, when I find my King, to constantly hold him down, to the point where he’ll never have to second guess himself again. His role will never be affected nor will I ever disrespect him. Anything he wants to achieve, I’ll be right there with him. My inner strength allows me to overcome many obstacles, so if that means us being up all night, for months and months, struggling, barely making ends meet, I’m there, lol, If he honestly thinks a little hard work will steer me off, he’s got me completely wrong. There’s nothing more motivating than seeing your man, work passionately towards something he loves. I would want him to know that I’ve got his best interests at heart, and in order for me to comfortably hold him down, he’ll need to keep it 100 with me always and at his own pace, allow us to vulnerable with each other and let go of every fear and obstacle that stands in our way.”