Fuck you

“So if you’re not talking to me again, which means you must’ve made up your mind cause i know i’ve made up mine. i’m tired of being your second, if-it-doesn’t-work-out choice. i’m tired of waiting for your replies and making up reasonable excuses in my head for why i don’t receive one. i’m done trying not to think about you during the days, and losing sleep when i can’t escape the thought of you at night. you planted seeds in my soul, let the flowers grow in the cracks of my bones, then stopped watering them, stopped caring.”well they’re dead now, so fuck you. 

I am tired of telling this story 

“I am tired of writing this story. 
The one in which you never stop leaving. 
The one in which I never stop waiting. 
I am tired of writing this story. 
The one in which you don’t love me at all.
The one in which I love you more than I love myself. 
I am tired of writing this story. 
The one in which you never stop hurting me. 
The one in which I never stop looking back. 
This story is getting old now. 
Everybody’s tired. 
I am tired.
By the time I am done with this sorry attempt at a poem, there won’t be any applause. 
Everybody’s heard this story a million times before. 
Even strangers shiver at the mention of your name without knowing why. 
I don’t just shiver. 
My knees stop working. 
My feet don’t move. 
I realize I am right where you left me. 
I am telling this story from the only place you know from the inside out. 
I am telling this story for the millionth time and in my own ways, I am crazy. 
I’m tired of telling this story. 
The ending isn’t ever any different. 
I am at the end of this sorry attempt at a poem and nobody is clapping. 
There isn’t anything beautiful about hanging on to what you have to let go of.”

How to Pretend It Doesn’t Hurt

“When he says he doesn’t love you anymore, roll your shoulders back and look him in the eye even when it feels like your ribs are breaking inward; like spider legs. When he digs up old aches that he swore he forgave you for, smile and ask him why he didn’t leave you sooner. Ignore the way the words feel like sandpaper running all the way up your throat to your mouth. When he blames you for mistakes that wear his face, do not scream. Do not cry. Tell him that there are boys who would be proud to say they’d love you. Tell him that in two years you won’t even remember his name and don’t let him see the way you can taste your own lie. When he leaves, ignore the howling in your blood and do not get up after him. Not even to lock the door. Do not, do not, DO NOT. Smell his shirts when you box them up to give them back. Not one. Swear off dating when you realize you’re chasing ghosts that wear his smile. It’s okay to cry over him. It’s even okay to forgive him. But do not go back to him if he did not know how to love you the first time. He won’t know how to do it the next.”

Never 

“Last night I got to love you like there’d never be anyone else.
This morning I woke up to the sound of you leaving.
You were packing your things and you were telling me you were sorry.
I watched you in silence and I didn’t ask you to stay.
When you were ready I walked you to the door and I closed all the windows.
I removed the ‘welcome’ doormat and I changed the locks because I know you’re going to come back.
You’re going to come back and you’re going to chose to love me then but by then, it’s going to be too late.
You can’t chose to not love me now and love me later because you’re scared or because you’re alone or because everything is caving in on you.
What I’m trying to tell you is that I love you but I know better now.
You’re never going to love me like I deserve and I shouldn’t have to keep waiting for you to get it right.”

No matter 

“You don’t realize how much he ruined you until you start talking to someone new. You do not realize how much you miss the way he talked to you, the way he took care of you, until someone else tries to do those same things.You will think about the fact that you miss the way he was always there. You will think of the way his presence always calmed you and the way his touch lingered on your skin whenever he was gone.

You don’t realize how much you fucking ache for that familiarity, for the way you were comfortable and how normal it felt to love him. You don’t realize it but you look for it in everyone, and it keeps you up at night that you haven’t found anyone that can make you feel like he used to.

You don’t realize any of it till you meet someone new and think, oh god, maybe he could be someone that stays. The worst part is that you hardly recovered from the way the last guy tore you apart. The worst part is that it terrifies you to think that you could get attached to someone like that again, because it felt like you pinned your heart to your sleeve only for the needle to break through the skin. The idea of loving someone the way you loved him makes you sick because you never thought you’d ever have to find someone else to begin with.”

Sometimes change is for the best

Congratulations on losing the only girl who had your back. I almost feel pity for you, you didn’t even realize you were giving away the one person who’d stuck around for your constant bullshit and drama. Maybe it was because she loved you or maybe it was because she thought she could see the reflection of a better person through all of your flaws. Perhaps she looked passed all of mistakes because having you in her life was more important than any of the wrong doings and damage you’d caused. She was naive, but she was not dumb and soon enough the light in her eyes that lit the room when she looked at you burnt out. The text messages, phone calls, it was all gone. Voicemail became the only way to reach her. She stopped finding small ways to see you but when you bumped into her on accident sometimes, the smile that’d she greet you with that was filled with hope was exchanged with a small glance but the floor always seemed to have her attention when you tried to make conversation. You remember the days when you were everything, and now you’re nothing.

The words you never understood 

I still miss you but I guess it’s different now. I’ve finally realized that I can’t keep putting my life on pause for you and I refuse to sit here and wait for you while you’re having the time of your life out there.
So honestly, all I’m going to say is whatever. You can keep doing what you’re doing and I’m going to get on with my life now, regardless of the fact that it won’t be with you and damn how I wanted it to be you but sometimes in life, things just don’t work out for a reason right? I’ll just have to trust that this is how it’s supposed to be. So know that I’m always going to miss you but the waiting is stopping here. Next time you try to call me, I won’t be there anymore.

A letter to the next girl he loves

” Maybe he’ll be good to you and love you like he was supposed to love me, but I don’t think he knows how yet. So be warned, he’s too easy to love. You’ll meet him and three days later you’ll miss him the second he stops texting back. It doesn’t matter how tough you think you are, you’re not when it comes to him. He can turn you from a thunderstorm to a rain puddle dripping down the side of the street. Be warned, just because he falls asleep on the phone with you doesn’t mean he isn’t texting four other girls while he listens to your breath on the other side of the phone and the way you love him more than anything bursting from your laugh. And I’m sure he loves you, he probably really does but just because he loves you doesn’t mean he won’t love all the rest of them too. He’ll tell you he hates girls with brown hair and kiss one the next night. He’ll tell you you’re all he needs and you’ll believe him. So will the girl he said it to this morning. You’ll probably love him through the lying. I guess I just wanted to tell you to leave the first time he hurts you. Because he’ll do it again. And again. And it doesn’t matter how many times he calls you baby and says he loves you. It doesn’t matter that he says he’s going to change for you. He’s going to break you down with every blow to the chest and every little excuse until your heart crumbles under your ribs and he’s too busy fucking somebody else to care this time.”